What's New at CBH
A Spark of Hope
I have the word hope tattooed on my wrist. When I got it 5 years
ago it was more of a plea than anything else. My life had become
devastated by mental illness and drug addiction, and I was
floundering. Even though I have spent much of my adult life
depressed, anxious and addicted, it hadn't always been that
way.
I was born in Rockford, Illinois in 1982, the oldest of three
children. My childhood was happy and healthy- proof that mental
illness and addiction can affect anyone. I was mostly bubbly and
outgoing, but even as a kid there were times that I remember
feeling "weird." I didn't have a name for it, but I remember
whispering "feelings go away, please go away." By the time I got to
middle school my anxiety had become a real problem- I couldn't
spend more than one night away from home and I would get sick with
nerves before every swim meet. I was in honors classes throughout
school, but I never felt truly comfortable outside of my small
classes.
When I was 16, we moved from New York to Virginia and my anxiety
and depression increased. I missed my friends and family, with whom
I had grown up. I eventually settled in, but by my senior year my
depression had returned and I was being tutored at home, going to
therapy, and taking anti-depressants. Even though I was the
treasurer of the National Honor Society, captain of the tennis
team, and a straight "A" student I felt empty. I had it all, but I
couldn't go more than 6 months without a depressive episode that
left me stuck in my bed. I went away to college, and I was shocked
to see that the girls in my dorm went days, weeks, even months
without crying. When I found out my parents were getting divorced I
started coming home every weekend, and hated being away at school.
I threw up every time I left, cried all the time, and my anxiety
was worse than it ever had been. I vacillated between depression
and numbness throughout most of my time at college, and I started
withdrawing from my classes every semester until I eventually gave
up and dropped out.
By the time I met my boyfriend Jake at 22, I had tried at least 10
different anti-depressant medications, but nothing truly worked.
Our long-distance relationship caused a whole new level of anxiety,
and I fell apart every time we said goodbye. Eventually, I called
my doctor and asked for Valium. He gave me a similar drug called
Ativan, and when Jake and I broke up after 2 years I began taking
it every day. A few months later, I still couldn't function and
checked myself into a hospital in Northern Virginia. The hospital
was the most terrifying experience in my life, and I was surrounded
by people talking to themselves and having violent outbursts. In
some ways, however, it was comforting; I felt protected from myself
and safe from everything going on outside the hospital walls.
After I was discharged, I returned home and began seeing Dr. Loren
Council at Colonial Behavioral Health. My weekly appointments were
the only times I left the house. I spent the rest of the time in my
room either crying or sleeping. I saw my siblings' and friends'
accomplishments as reminders of my failures, and I knew that if I
didn't do something my depression was going to kill me. In
desperation, I made the serious decision to have electro-shock
therapy. While it was much different than how it is portrayed in
the movies, it was still stressful. I asked my doctor to increase
my Ativan, and all of a sudden I found myself on an even darker
path. Any benefits I received from the shock treatments were
overshadowed by my worsening drug addiction. I started going to two
doctors since no one would give me the number of pills I needed.
Toward the end I was taking over 14 times the amount that is safe
for the average person. I was doing things that no sane person
would do to get my drugs and was ashamed and embarrassed about the
person I had become. My mom told me that she stopped outside my
room to make sure I was still breathing and Dr. Council told me he
was afraid I was going to die if I didn't get help. I know that
without his concern, the support of my mom and grandmother, and my
love for my brother and sister I would not have survived. Once I
finally asked for help Dr. Cindy Levy and Colonial Behavioral
Health got me into a detox center. After 11 days I came home more
miserable than ever. I had the support of the crisis and nursing
staff at Colonial Behavioral Health, and they tried their best to
help me. It can take up to 6 months to fully detox from drugs like
Ativan and Valium, and I wasn't making any other healthy changes to
my life. Eventually, on the advice of Dr. Council and one of the
CBH nurses, I begrudgingly started the Intensive Outpatient
Program.
The group and the therapist, Diane Green, helped me build a life
that I never thought would be mine. Not only am I am in recovery
from my drug addiction, but it has been almost 2 years since I have
had a major depressive episode. Never in my wildest dreams did I
think that my life could be the way it is now. I had never aspired
to happiness; I just didn't want to be sad any more. My
relationships with my family are better than ever, I have fantastic
friends, and I was just accepted into a very competitive nursing
school program. Not only do I currently work as a Certified Nurse
Aide, but I volunteer as a peer mentor in the same outpatient
program that I graduated from at CBH. My life is amazing, and I
look at my tattoo now and realize that there must have been some
spark of hope within me all along. I am certain though that without
my wonderful family and friends, as well as the mental health and
addiction resources offered at Colonial Behavioral Health I would
still be lost.
Kristen is 30 years old and lives in Yorktown with her family and rescue dog, Lily. She has been a client of Colonial Behavioral Health since 2006, and graduated from the Intensive Outpatient Program in April 2011. Currently, she volunteers in the program as a peer mentor. She also works as a Certified Nurse's Aide, and looks forward to continuing her education and becoming a substance abuse/psychiatric nurse. Her sober date is May 17th, 2010.