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From Family Dinners to Family Stories—Another Path to Resilience
While raising my two children, I was acutely aware of studies
showing the benefit of family dinners in reducing risky behaviors
and promoting school achievement in children. Like many other busy
parents of busy kids, I struggled to create this meaningful family
time, scrambling for quick recipes and insisting that reluctant
teens take at least 15 minutes to sit at the table. On many days we
only managed to exchange a few words between mouthfuls before
taking off for the next activity.
Eating meals together as a family is still linked to these
benefits, according to current research. But if you are one of the
busy parents who rarely manage to accomplish this, you can stop
feeling guilty. Food is not the only way to forge family
connections and promote well-being. A recent quiz in Parade
Magazine (February 17, 2013) compared the effect of several
activities on children's well-being. When matched against eating a
consistent breakfast, sports participation, and regular attendance
at religious services, children who knew more about their personal
and family history had higher self-esteem and a greater sense of
control over their lives.
Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush of Emory University, who conducted
the original research in 2001, used a measure that asked children
20 questions about their families. Those who could answer more
questions about their families tended to be the most resilient.
Resilience is defined as the ability to recover quickly from
adverse events, and is generally considered a positive indicator
for mental health and happiness. The authors speculate that
learning about family history is effective because it helps
children feel connected to something larger than themselves.
Fraternities, sororities, religious organizations and community
groups know the importance of this; new members are steeped in
their history and traditions to create a sense of roots and
belonging. The need to be part of a tribe seems hard-wired in our
species.
Learning about your family through shared stories not only
strengthens a sense of connection, but can serve as inspiration.
When you learn that your grandmother raised five children on her
own and worked two jobs in order to send them all to college,
chances are good you will feel pride in this heritage of strength
and independence, and recognize the value of self-reliance and
education in your own life. The abstract values we try to instill
in our children-compassion, hard work, courage, commitment-become
more real and seem more possible when attached to family members,
even those we have never met. A biological relationship is not even
required; traditions are more about culture than genetics. Family
stories help us build a meaningful narrative that shapes our core
values and provides a strong base for developing a sense of self.
Maybe this is what our teachers had in mind all along when they
assigned those autobiographical essays and family tree projects in
school.
One more thing -not all narratives are equally effective. The most
effective type of family story is called the 'oscillating'
narrative, in which family members have been through ups and downs,
all the while sticking together, loving one another, and enduring
as a family. So take heart, your family story does not have to be
perfect. In fact, it's better if it's not.
So take a minute and think about the story of your family. Are you
a family that cares for others and always has room for one more at
the dinner table? Are you a family that never gives up or always
finds a way to make lemonade from life's lemons? Get out the family
scrapbook and show your son the picture of his great-grandmother
who came to this country looking for adventure and a better life.
On the way to soccer practice, tell your daughter about your oldest
brother who saved up his allowance to buy food for stray animals.
You don't need long stories or intricate details. A few sentences
about an interesting ancestor (or even yourself!) can light your
children's imagination and get them thinking about how some of
these qualities might live inside of them. And you don't even have
to turn on the stove to reap the benefits….although a family dinner
now and then couldn't hurt.
Jane Ferguson received her Master's Degree in Social Work from Rutgers University and is licensed in Virginia as a clinical social worker and school social worker. She has over 30 years of professional experience working with children and families in outpatient, inpatient, and military settings and is currently employed by Williamsburg-James City County Public Schools where she serves as Lead Social Worker. She also serves as school representative on the Family Assessment and Planning Teams for James City County and the City of Williamsburg. Helping children develop and thrive by building on their strengths and supports is a core value of her professional practice.